Friday, April 20, 2012

Return to Form

POSTING LIVE FROM THE BAKER SQUAD CAFE. It is a BEAUTIFUL evening. The smell of Coffee in the air. The homey, friendly atmosphere of the Cafe. The sound of faint rain, thunder, the scream of a tortured man, the hum of the tools being used on him. Great Evening. Love every minute. 

I wanted to go visit my good buddy Screamer. One of my teachers back in Proxy Academy (AKA Some warehouse outside of New Jersey). Now. Screamer has hit a rough patch recently. Ran afoul of some... Evil Plague Doctor thing. Real nasty stuff was done to Screamer. What can I say? I was worried. So I entered the cafe in my usual fashion and checked up on Screamer. Screamer is.... Recovering. A little thin (Again. Sorry for the Glomp. No bruised ribs, right?). I was certainly right to be concerned. But Screamer will survive. It always does.

But this lead to some fun where I came along with Joseph, Screamer and Sir-Rapes-a-Lot on a merry quest to execute some kind of... Killsquad. Created by a Sherlock Holmes villain. Tons of fun. So off we went, and soon enough we found them. I bravely attempted to push Commodore Rapist out of the way, but I... Tripped and landed behind him where the bullets could not hit me. Fortunately, he was not hurt. So we decided to split up to force the guys with Machineguns to have to start hunting through terrain that is not helpful to long ranged specialists. 

Old abandoned warehouses, how I love thee. Though I admit I was having some flashbacks to the last time I was in one of those... The Heat... It did not help that I was once again at a disadvantage. This new body controls like a Drunken Rhino. I must have been given the "Tackle Fucking Everything" model. Not even one of the sleek new modern ones either. Good upper body strength though. I preferred my legs, but I adapted well enough. The Killsquad Grunt wasn't particularly agile in that body armor of his. I made sure to let him know how slow he was. He really was keeping me too long. Taking his fucking time or something... Of course so did I, and my HAT paid for it. The Son of a Bitch SHOT MY GODDAMN HAT RIGHT OFF MY HEAD. I LIKED THAT HAT. 

So I ran to the next fork in the maze and stayed in the path to the left. I threw a brick into the one on the right. Predictably, he checked his corners first. On the right side. All the time I needed to blast him with a Fire Extinguisher. He was surprisingly calm in trying to escape from it, but again. He was slow. Bashed him in the face with the Extinguisher a few times. Received a kick to the groin for my troubles, but he isn't the only one wearing a bit of body armor. Several more hits to the face and he was out cold. I dragged his ass back outside where I linked up with Screamer and David. And then we saw Joseph going apeshit on one of the soldiers bodies. Which was surprising. He seemed like the most rational, sane, person here. We got him to stop eventually... But I was NOT getting near Mr. Stabbity when he was like that. 

So we took our new captive buddy back home with us and removed that delightful false tooth cyanide pill thing he had. I think he is enjoying the atmosphere. We are letting him stew in the torture room (Every Cafe has one). We took a few Pedestrians Hostage, and started torturing them in the room beside it. Now. Soldier Guy can't SEE it. But he can hear it. We come in every once in a while and make him think we are starting the torture at last. But then we leave. Tons of fun. I can see him starting to get twitchy. He won't last too much longer. The anticipation is KILLING him.

His blood tasted Good. Soon I'll get a second helping. Gotta love the service here. Always smiling. 


  1. Huh, a bulky(?) Morningstar...that is heard to picture. You have my sympathies with you trying to adapt to that. But it's good to see you haven't lost your touch.

    Also, what was the rest of Joseph's group doing during all of this?

  2. Replies
    1. My Precious Fedora. Not my ORIGINAL one... As it... I have no idea where it is.

    2. The original will turn up. Fedoras tend to find their way home. 'Till then though, my condolences for the loss of its brother.

  3. Why did you link every instance of their names? Is that really necessary?

  4. I would keep an eye on Nightscream. The "Plague Doctor" always gets His prize.

    P.S. you don't seem like much of a fedora Type.

    1. BAH. I have CLASS. Tie, Suitcoat, fancy shirt and fedora are mandatory parts of my attire.
      The Plague Doctor might come back after it finishes licking it's wounds from the beating Father gave it. But most animals won't stick their noses where it hurts twice. I doubt we'll be seeing it again unless we deliberately fuck with it.

    2. Are those not...bulkyish?

      Don't be foolish Morningstar. Your "Father" may have done a number on my Doctor but I can assure you, He won't be so careless next time.

    3. Bulkyish? My clothes? A little. I like to think of it as giving my prey a handicap. Makes it more difficult for me to move and everything.
      You know... I might just be tempted to go burn out some Oathbreakers myself. Just for giggles.

    4. Stefan: Your Doctor? Watch yourself Stefan, I do not know who you are but I have never heard of you serving YWWOH. This is the second time you've crossed my path claiming to be in service with YWWOH. Three strikes and your out.

      Morningstar: a proxy with class. That's a new one. Kudos to you for maintaining appearances while killing.

      I saw the damage. He is...hibernating. So I'm sure you will have some time. I do warn you though...orders are orders.

    5. Shooter. You have the memory of a hamster. I had ASKED you to mind the ribs for a reason, love. They're going to take long enough to heal as it is. You always do manage to leave me so perplexed of what to do about you... even with that new face.

      Secondly... Zephy... so, He's hibernating, is He? The damage must have been substantial enough... this is good. Very good. Gives me time. Unlike Shooter, I am not going to pretend Round Two is not a possibility. I don't think I can pull the same trick twice...

    6. Round two will come. So for a moment I will speak to you as a friend and not His servant.

      Prepare. Stay with Morningstar and go seek some medical help. Not a hospital. Your name is being passed around the Oathbreakers. Not many people survive the "Plague Doctor". Your encounter with Him may have left a nasty bug in you. Better to be safe than sorry.

    7. Considering what happens when gods fight, I'm surprised anyone who was anywhere near there even still exists. Sicko and the Tall Guy aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer, but they should have known better than to duke it out. They know the risks.


  5. I find myself jealous. I would love to stick it to Moriarty and his men. There is nothing quite like killing assassins. They always look so surprised.