Tuesday, July 3, 2012


My team and I, Fairy, Montag, and Brown Recluse leapt from the back of our local contact's famed pickup truck: The beast of a vehicle known as Pickup Prime! Immediately, we took our fighting stances.

Before us, lied the deadliest foes legend could provide. Diao Chan, The strategist Chen Gong, and Lu Bu himself!

Lu Bu laughed as he spun that spear in his hands, shouting, "You worms feel that you can match blades with the great Lu Bu!? HAH!"

Then he eyed me. After a long moment, he said:

"You. You might yet give me a CHALLENGE!"

Then the battle commenced.

Immediately, I knew we would have a problem. The Strategist Chen Gong was here. The trouble with strategists: they cheat. He pulled out a pair of Uzi-submachine guns from within the folds of his period appropriate garb! Our team scattered as we had been trained.

Diao Chan drew her odd weapon, and began dueling with Brown Recluse. Our local contact quickly did as was planned, and set up the Ring-ropes on the four closest trees with his piton gun. Brown Recluse would have her wrestling ring for a PROPER duel this day.

I knew that Montag and his axe, and Fairy and his Claymore would be dueling in the woods with Chen Gong. And that left me with the legend himself: LU BU!

My initial movements were those of retreat. I had to make my way back to the pickup truck. Lu Bu's fighting style is not any Kung Fu that is known in our era. His was the ancient Chinese concept of Shou Bo. Shou Bo is, in all honesty, brawling. You were supposed to inform your concept of Shou Bo by watching the animals around you, looking for the swiftness of the deer, the strength of a bear, and several other similar concepts.

But to put into perspective: Lu Bu is one of the greatest warriors of one of the greatest eras of war in Chinese History. And the Chinese spent many, many, many eras perfecting new and interesting ways of killing people. He is one of the greatest brawlers in history, combined with having phenomenal combat experience.

And so I drew my own spear from the bed of the truck, and it was Lu Bu's turn to retreat. Lu Bu's spear is legendary, but now his Shou Bo would face the legendary and deadly spirit of ancient and modern Kung Fu.

Our spears clashed, and began to dance around each other. To duel with spears is to have a battle of reach, and spiraling efficiency. Which of us would find the tiniest point of advantage?

I retreated backwards, realizing already that his spear-work was superior. My weapon was shattered, and I rolled back into the truck. I rolled back out as his spear clattered above the side near where my body had been a moment before. His current spear was not the fake beast of a thing he had wielded for cosplay purposes. No, this was proper bamboo with a steel tip, and it could bend in such a fashion as to strike me within the bed of the trick. But a spear was not my only weapon! I leaped out of the truck armed with my legendary jiang! Also known as a Chinese Longsword.

Though my range was shorter, I certainly had an advantage in speed, which I could press if I got into close quarters with the beast that was Lu Bu.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Brown Recluse trying to use her improvised Wrestling Ring to give herself an advantage. Her wrestling is strong, but Diao Chan had an advantage in speed. I saw the flash of gunfire in the air out of the corner of my other eye.

It was up to me. I had to defeat Lu Bu in order to give future operations, nay this entire battle, any hope of success.

Lu Bu laughed the mad laugh of a warrior, and shouted:

"I had heard of the legendary Crouching Tiger, and his glorious 'Kung Fu'! Tell me, is this the best your Great Skill can accomplish?!"

Great skill is one translation for the term Kung Fu.

I responded, "Fiddler Crab plays BEAUTIFUL MELODY!"

Much as the fiddler crab might seem to play a violin, I deflected a most perfect spear strike toward my face back behind me, and I gripped the spear with my off hand for dear life. I had exactly one chance to seize victory. I pressed down on that spear, pressed the point into the dirt, and then stomped as hard as I could upon it.

His spear broken, Lu Bu was upon me in an instant. My sword was lost as the exchange began, I had to drop it lest he redirect it into my body. Shou Bo met Kung Fu for the first time in many an age.

His fist grazed my temple, my leg grazed his groin, each strike was redirected mere inches from the other's body, and then the distance changed once more.

Leopard hunting Gazelle met Shou Bo's wild boar, White Ape Presents Book met the running deer of Shou Bo, it is all a blur to me. All great battles are a blur. I missed this, this feeling that comes from squaring up with a truly strong opponent.

When Angry Crow spread it's wings, knocking Lu Bu to the floor, I nearly cried. Our duel was over.

His allies retreated into the woods. To be truly effective, we must find a way to get Brown Recluse a proper, portable wrestling ring. There is no other option.

Lu Bu is now in custody. I must mourn, for I do not think I will see a challenge such as him for some time. I don't care if he's merely crazy, this man who thinks he is an ancient warrior of legend proved he deserves that title today.


  1. delusion of grandeur (noun): The false belief that one is important or powerful.

    1. Hypocrisy (Noun): The practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.

      Pretentious (Adjective): Attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed.

      Asshole (Noun): An irritating or contemptible person

    2. Hah! SO IT IS SO, GLEEMAN! Ha-HAH!

  2. You speak in exciting tones, filled with sound and fury, signifying nothing. I'm sorry to say that your attempt at adventure has inspired nothing at all in me.

    Well, nothing except pity at whomever you talk to.

  3. Don't mourn a great thing passing. Revel in it. You certainly seem to have earned that.