Event Summary 013

Report by Agent Morningstar, squad leader of Shade squad

5/22/2012

[Location Redacted]

Directed towards Handler Nightshade: "Thanks a FUCKING lot you ASSHOLE. I asked you to send me people with more EXPERIENCE and less PSYCHOSIS!!! I can't be GODDAMN expected to SHIT ASS FUCK HELL KILL THE BLOODY MORIARTY SOLDIERS without PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD AT KILLING TOUGH TARGETS. Instead I have a MAN WHO PLAYS WITH DOLLS!!! DOLLS!!!!!!! Is this a JOKE or are you THAT stupid? 

Since I doubt you are going to be sending me anyone else, I shall make do with what I have. We shall be divided into two teams, one lead by me and the other by Caesar. Forward any complaints to Valtiel, as it was the one who suggested it."

End of Opening Summary

Recruit Profiles and Remarks

Agent Mordred

Name: Jonathan Mace

Age: 26

Height: 6'0" 

Weight: 222 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Reserve Unit

Remarks: "Nightshade. You saw how Angmar turned out. Why did you send me ANOTHER GODDAMN NERD WITH A SWORD. Christ this is embarrassing... He is at least more threatening than Angmar by virtue of wearing Medieval Knights armor, though his choice of color will no doubt lead to numerous Monty Python jokes at his expense. Black Knights are just not threatening anymore. His weapons of choice are a broadsword and a lance. He is about as skilled with the broadsword as Angmar was at the time of recruiting, ergo he is only slightly more threatening than Target Class E 'Gargoyle' and slightly less threatening than my decaying corpse. His skill with the lance was surprising. Not in how skilled he was with it, but how he chose to use it. He is a skilled motorcycle rider and uses one in lieu of a horse, and thus uses the lance while riding the motorcycle. This is recipe for disaster, but goddamn if it didn't look cool. All in all... Not a good start Nightshade. Goddamn you."

Agent Pacemaker

Name: James Gibson

Age: 26

Height: 5'10" 

Weight: 187 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Reserve Unit

Remarks: "OK, a Knight wannabe I can understand, as knights used to kill people. But an ELVIS IMPERSONATOR? REALLY? At the very least he seems capable of killing people. During the standard killing ability test, he challenged the victim to a fair unarmed fight and promptly slashed his throat open with a switchblade. The underhandedness combined with his competence with said switchblade and the shere insanity of his, uh... Motif... Makes him an easily underestimated opponent. If our enemies were less prone to shooting on sight, he might be useful. Lovely singing voice too."

Agent Mumbles

Name: Jacques Strange

Age: 19

Height: 5'9" 

Weight: 145 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Main Unit

Remarks: "WHY WAS I NOT FUCKING WARNED ABOUT THIS GUY AHEAD OF TIME!?!?! You KNOW how I get around Clowns, so how the fuck did you THINK I would react to a FUCKING MIME?!?! So after I shat my pants in fear, I did the evaluation. This is a CREEPY son of a bitch. He didn't say a single word the entire time. If he didn't seem intelligent, I would assume he was Hallowed. His [Redacted for the Purposes of this post] will make him an EXCELLENT counter for the likes of Target Class A "Amalgamation Sage." Despite my fear, I am keeping him around."

Agent Caesar

Name: Edward Graham

Age: 39

Height: 5'10" 

Weight: 210 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Reserve Unit

Remarks: "He has delusions of being a Roman Emperor and believes that his action figures... Oh, excuse me.. his SOLDIERS, are a living breathing army. When they do not obey his commands (Which is often) he commits decimatio by tearing off their heads and then promptly doing whatever it is he commanded himself. That said, the fucker shoved a Harpoon through the victim's chest and threw him across the room into a wall. He also appeared intelligent enough, when not succumbing to the obvious megalomania and delusions. So. He wants to be a leader, I'll give him the reserve squad. Fucking Pacemaker and Mordred will be his Praetorian Guard. Nightshade, I am going to visit Cipher and tell him ALL about this you know. How do you think he will react to you treating this like a joke?"

Agent Cloak

Name: Rodney Stacy

Age: 32

Height: 5'9" 

Weight: 122 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Main Unit

Remarks: "This guy is an asshole. Probably the most competent person I was introduced to today. But GOD DAMN. Fucker Strolls in to the interview and steals my gun. Then taunts me about it... Although I should give him credit. He stole my gun while explaining to me that he was a thief who likes to steal things and was very good at it. I didn't notice it until he used the gun to execute the victim. Recently the keys to the van have gone missing. I will be sure to 'ask' him about it. His dossier implies some emotional baggage though. Given that [Redacted because this needs to be redacted if in the event a certain someone sees this] it could eventually become a problem. No matter. I mean, what are the odds of [Redacted for the same reason]?"

Agent Yellowbeard

Name: Bob Franklin

Age: 29

Height: 5'11" 

Weight: 179 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Reserve Unit

Remarks: "I actually made a bet, half jokingly, with Nightscream to the effect of 'I bet they will send me a Pirate tomorrow' and guess who walked away five dollars richer. You sent me a pirate. I... Don't know what to say. He is about as subtle as a Cannonball tearing through Target Class C Forgemaster's New House/Apartment/Whatever the hell it is. He came to the interview drunk, but that was not very surprising. His aim with his flintlock was amazing considering he wore an eyepatch and was aiming about two feet to the left of the target. His skill with the cutlass made up for it though, and he seemed eager to kill more people and... Something about plunder and booty. Followed by a 'yargh' of sorts. He doesn't have a beard by the way."

Agent Blood Harvest

Name: Carl Maxwell

Age: 25

Height: 6'3" 

Weight: 200 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Reserve Unit

Remarks: "I was unsure what to expect with this one. With a name like Blood Harvest, you are either a farmer or someone trying WAY too hard. What I got, was somewhere in the middle. He is at least more threatening than the last Scarecrow I received. Disemboweled the victim a bit slowly, but I think he was enjoying it. Hard to tell due to the straw hat and potato sack covering his head. Weapon of choice are Scythes/Sickles/Whatever you call them. I think he seemed pretty good with them. Imposing figure too. Puts the Scare in scarecrow I think. Reminds me of that movie "Dark Harvest." Or rather... The Cover art, as that thing didn't actually show up in the movie. He was also surprisingly understated and simplistic in his sentences. I expected another overactor. Which is good, as it means I no longer have to try as hard to keep my position of largest of hams."

Agent Fairy

Name: ???

Age: 38(?)

Height: 6'5" 

Weight: 250 lbs.(???)

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Main Unit

Remarks: "This guy was the main reason I put Yellowbeard on the reserve team. Not enough room for two alcoholics around here. You know, I don't typically do stereotypes but... I think someone just poured Haggis, bagpipes, a kilt and an ocean of alcohol into a pot, stirred it with a claymore and then this Man emerged, fully bearded and with bulging muscles, swinging the claymore left and right while playing a merry tune on the bagpipes. Which was coincidentally, how he entered the interview. Sadly we seem to have a language issue, as he seems to speak Angry Scotsman, while I speak only English. He seems to comprehend me though, and gleefully chopped the victim up. This is a keeper methinks."

Agent Scrambler

Name: Antonio Franchetti

Age: 34

Height: 6'0" 

Weight: 190 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Reserve Unit

Remarks: "Is this guy ex-Mafia? Or... Some 20s Gangster Time Traveller... Or is it 50s? He talks like a Beatnik from the 20s. It boggles the mind. Anyway, Scrambler does not in fact use an eggbeater as his weapon of choice, much to my disappointment. He prefers Brass Knuckles. He took his time with the victim. Perhaps too much so, as I found myself nodding off. That kind of murder is so friggen boring. Another thing to note is a potential weakness in the fact he is in fact missing an eye (Unlike Yellowbeard). Hopefully he has good hearing to make up for it. Or something. By far the best dressed member of the Team though. Compared to Discarded-Sports-Equipment Caesar and Captain Jack Fabulous up there, a man in an Italian suit is a welcome sight. Makes it seem like we have more class."

Agent Montag

Name: Paul Montag

Age: 26

Height: 5'11" 

Weight: 234 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Main Unit

Remarks: "Ah, here we go. I was wondering when one of these guys would show up. The Pseudo-Intellectual nihilistic psychopath. With the added bonus of being a Pyromaniac in firefighter gear and burns covering most of his visible body. His emotionless, monotone speech about the futility of this or that and the purity of the all consuming flame... Blah, blah, blah etc etc etc, was wonderfully dark, depressing and reminiscent of the old days. Back when we Proxies were child eating monsters going up against some mostly pacifistic white hats. The Good Old Days. So yeah, Montag did a monologue to the victim while pacing around him ominously. Telling him his life story I think. Then he covered him in gasoline and... Kept talking. About half an hour later, he finally lit a match and walked away while the guy burned. A Keeper."

Agent The Plumber

Name: Hank McPeters

Age: 46

Height: 5'9" 

Weight: 264 lbs.

Results: Placed in Shade Squad Reserve Unit

Remarks: "Well here is an unexpected bit of insanity. When the extremely normal looking Plumber came in to the interview, I figured he might have the wrong address. He was just some fat middle aged guy with a tool belt carrying an admittedly weird looking plunger. When I confirmed he was here for the interview, I asked him why he was called 'The Plumber.' His response? 'Because I'm a Plumber.' Ha, ha, ha. He should have been called the FUCKING Comedian because that joke was SOOOOO funny. He seems pretty psychosis free but... Well... His weapon of choice is the Plunger. Which is no ordinary plunger at all. It is evidently a SHOTGUN Plunger. A person free of psychosis...es... Would not build a SHOTGUN Plunger."

Agent Crouching Tiger, Brown Recluse, Gleeman and Jack the Ripper

Remarks: "THIS was the highlight of my day. So, I was packing up about to sleep off all the insanity I faced today, when my 'Favorite' highest showed up. Dear Valtiel. The one with amber yellow eyes. We had a brief discussion, he called me a "broken toy" and mentioned that I am going to be dying soon. I told him to shove a... You know what, I shouldn't put insubordination in a document like this. Uh... Anyway, he then told me he had a gift for me and POOF. Gleeman, Recluse, Tiger and Jack all looking VERY sick and smelling like they hadn't had a shower in months were on the floor. THEY ARE ALIVE, YES YES YES. THEY ARE FUCKING ALIVE. FUCK YOU MORIARTY! YOU FAILED TO KILL MY TEAM. YOU FAAAAAAILED... Right. So. They are being added back to the main team once they recover a bit... Check the "Shade of the Morning" blog for their status and accounts of what exactly happened to them. To sum it up briefly though. Valtiel happened. 

Closing Remarks

Included with this report is a photocopied picture of my middle finger directed at you Nightshade. Put it on your wall. Send me SOLDIERS next time. For now. Send me GODDAMN WEAPONS THAT WILL BE USEFUL AGAINST GODDAMN SOLDIERS. Send me the Killdozer. Do we still have that? Well... Send it you jackass.

End of Report.