Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Screams of your Pain

OK, so the other seem to have FORGOTTEN TO POST. I'll probably tie them to the top of the van for a while as punishment. HeheheheHAHAHAHAHA. Ah. Giddy today. Now to recycle an old tool of mine. THE TO-DO LIST! I Love to-do lists. Always there when you need a quick reminder that you are out MURDERING people when you need to be out stalking and painting meaningless creepy symbols on their walls and windows. A Proxy's work is never done. 

#2. Buy Groceries and Birdseed
#3. Paperwork
#4. Paperwork for the Paperwork
#5. Banging on target [Redacted]'s Windows until it decides to investigate.
#6. Distract target [Redacted] while Gleeman tears up it's room and writes Gibberish on the walls in the form of codes. This will keep the target distracted for days trying to decipher this OBVIOUSLY meaningful hint that will be the answer to all their problems.
#7. Paperwork for the Paperwork about the Paperwork
#8. Recover Lucky Knife from Little-Miss-Penny-Gadget over there
#9. Deal with that Lunatic with the Spear thing that Tiger uses a fancy name for.
#10. Drain nearby Ichor. Bottle it and then test it on captured Cultists. Or Jack.
#11. Burn down Forgemaster's Apartment & Dump as many cans of Green Giant Canned Vegetables into Green Man's house as possible.
#12. Repeat 11 as necessary.
#13. Buy new Violin.
#13.5 Rig Violin with explosives for no reason.
#14. Look into Personal Issues.
#14.5 Deflect all Questions about Personal Issues.
#15. Piss on Mitch's Grave
#16. Murder Trips and all associated Family. Dress as Mr. Rogers while comitting the murders, as it will make me feel more neighborly.
#17. Purchase X-Box 360.
#18. Find new Runners to Troll.
#19. Troll said Runners.
#20. Piss on All of Robert Sagel's Graves.
#21. Piss on Zeke Strahm's Grave.
#22. Piss on M. Or M's Grave. 
#23. Purchase Clockwork Orange Looking Uniforms for future use. 
#24. Confirm Uwe Boll's position as High Priest of the German Archangel Cult (Can we get a confirmation that it does not have a flashier name?)

Naturally everything on the list is subject to change or being moved to accommodate new more pressing matters.

Now, on to doing what the others SHOULD have been doing. A report on Caesar's Attack on a Paranoid Veteran Runner of about four months. This man, Earl Richards, was a resourceful Rednecky type with access to lots of ammo and lots of traps put into his tiny log cabin located in the middle of some woods. Caesar would have been smart to sneak up to the house and set it on fire or something. So of course, Caesar being Caesar, he marched his men and toys onto a hill top and blew a goddamn trumpet. I was watching this from a safe distance near the escape Van. 

Caesar proclaimed: "In the name of Kai-Zar, descendant of Venus and her husband the Mighty Saturn (His name for Father, I think even though there is so much shit wrong with that Mythologically I... Oh nevermind.) we lay claim to the lands and all who inhabit them. All profligates (?) are to surrender their homes, their food, their coin and their blood in tribute to my holy name."

He was answered with the sound of a Shotgun firing in his general direction.

Fortunately, Pacemaker was there to clarify. 
Pace: "That means you guys. I'll, uh... Flank him."

So they charged the man with the shotgun and our friendly neighborhood plumber revealed he has not ONE specially modified plunger of death, but TWO. This one being a makeshift Grenade Launcher. The Cabin's Porch was decimated, and our dear Mr. Richards fled inside his basement. We did not know that at the time though. The Brave Sir Mordred tripped en route to the Cabin and Blood Harvest was forced to double back and pick the overgrown trash can up. Leaving Yellowbeard to be the first to enter the house. He ended up springing one of THREE goddamn Gun-Behind-the-Door traps and was wounded in the arm. Being drunk as hell, it didn't seem to bother him until AFTER we got him to the hospital. 

Despite the delay, Blood Harvest was the first to find the basement door and he slowly entered. I admire the theatrics he used. The Slow Creaking door opening, his scythe blade being the first thing to enter. Slowly marching down the stair case. Combined with his "Horror Movie Slasher" look it was rather impressive. There was one obvious flaw. It gave Mr. Richards enough time to escape through the outside Cellar door, though why he didn't just SHOOT Blood Harvest, I will never know. 

Why will I not ever know? Because, to my great pleasure, Pacemaker was waiting outside the Cellar exit with a Pistol and a Smile. He said something, no doubt some Elvis inspired one-liner, and shot Mr. Richards, who tumbled down the stairs right in front of Blood Harvest. Mr. Richards had a short life you know. Before meeting Father, I wonder what his goals were? What his dreams and aspirations were? Was he particularly good at anything? Math? Science? Chemistry? Could he have become someone truly great and worth looking up to? In the end, I suppose it does not matter. He ended up half the man he could have been in more ways than one.

As for my team? I am proud of them. They worked fairly well together, with the exception of Mordred. Next time, perhaps I will personally accompany them to the next murder. I do so look forward to it. But for now, I have other matters to attend to. Mostly Paperwork, sadly. But this mountain of dead trees will not serve as my ball and chain for long, I promise. Soon I will be out there causing mayhem and destruction. Misery and Death. I am practically drooling at the thought of my next big kill.


  1. Pissing on graves now are we? What happened to the guy who told off other proxies for celebrating Reach's death?

    1. Reach WAS one of us. For a time. That is the difference.

    2. And Mitch wasn't?

      (Personally I think you're making distinctions where there are none just to do whatever you feel like. Something about "The mind and body can be played with, but the soul should be respected"? Nothing about proxydom in there, byotch.)

    3. Yeah. I meant it only for members of the family. You see, I HAVE shot other Proxies before. Hence I am hurting the mind and body. I don't insult them afterwords though. Besides. When did I EVER kill a non-proxy and NOT brag about it later? Hmmm?

      And Mitch killed me. She is an exception.

  2. #15, #20-22: you're going to need yourself a lot of caffeinated fluids there, commodore. Or be good at holding your piss.

  3. I've got a pretty big family. Might take you a while.
    And I doubt you'd find them palatable.

    1. Awww... You are underestimating me. How cute.

  4. May I add another task to your "To-Do" list:

    #25. Regardless of whether or Uwe Boll's position has been confirmed, murder Uwe Boll.

    I'm sorry, I don't say this often but that man needs to fucking die. I don't care if he's improving, it shouldn't take you 10 years before you finally start to make progress. Because he's improving that means his movies go from so bad they are hilarious to just bad. This man is an insult to all that is cinema and he must die a slow, agonizing death!!!!

    *ahem* Sorry about that. Uwe Boll sends me into a state of blind rage. I'll shut up now.

    1. You know something? Maybe I should keep him alive just to make you suffer.

    2. I kinda had a feeling you were going to say that. And I doubt you would have wanted to be viewed as a hero anyway.

  5. I wonder if instruments make funny noises when they explode? I wonder if you could even hear it over the explosions.